Hospice visits and emotional roller coasters

      Today was a rough day for all. Yesterday we talked to Lydia, who has been an HIV survivor for 20 years. And we visited people who live in Hostels that are rooms about the size of 2 queen size beds: Kitchen, bedroom, living room toilet (a pan under the bed), all in one room. It was hard to see someone living there. Even harder when we all found out about the way rent works. If you don’t pay rent one month, that is fine but it builds up. You cannot move out until you pay all the rent you own. The people that lived there hadn’t paid rent in a while and will therefore most likely be stuck there forever, unless they win the lottery or something.

            Then today, we went on Hospice visits. Nurses go to people’s homes (or shacks for that matter) who have HIV, TB, cancer, etc and care for them.  These shacks are made out of recycled tin and scrap metal. We went on two house runs with the nurse. The first house we walk into was found by winding our way through shacks. We walked in this home which was 10’ x 10’ with dirty dishes everywhere, dirty clothes, a smell unlike anything other (damp, mold, sickness, urine, etc.) with a dying woman laying in her bed, unable to even get up and move. We interviewed the woman about her life and she begins to tell us how frustrated she is with white people coming into her house, taking pictures, making promises and then just leaving. This was an issue for most, because it was our biggest insecurity. Many of us have been worried about people in this community wanting something from us and us feeling like we need to do something about all of this. But we are just students here to learn, here to process. It is hard to be applied to a stereotype. So after this woman lying there, barely even able to talk told us this, some walked out, some became angry, some confused.

            Why would she allow us to come into her home if she felt this way? We felt intrusive. A major invasion of privacy. If I were lying sick I wouldn’t want some of my closest friends to see me that way. And we were complete strangers of a hated race. Many of us were unable to go onto the next location. I walked into it, it was a man living in a 4’ x 6’ shack, with no bathroom, no electricity no kitchen nothing. Just a room with a bed in it. And he was lying there, with bedsores all along his backside. I watched as the nurse dressed his sores and I began to look around the inside and outside of his home. This was no comfortable or sanitary place for any person to live.  It was seriously indescribable. I don’t even know where to start. Scraps of metal houses, a bathroom out back far away from his house, bricks and broken stones in the pathway to walk around. I cannot describe it. I just broke down. It wasn’t fair and I became angry. I pictured my closet, bigger than this mans whole house. I pictured my warm bed, and all the times I complained about being sick. At least I had a comfortable place to be sick. At least I had warmth, comfort of friends, food to eat, a sprite to drink if I’m nauseous. I look like a spoiled brat compared to this.

It was an interesting realization, an even more interesting realization that Gugulethu isn’t just this bubble that I went to in my mind to learn things. This is an actual place in the world and these people are actually struggle to make it to the next day. They are uncomfortable, in pain, lonely, hungry, dying. I have never been more thankful for my family, my friends, my health and my life. It was a bittersweet moment looking back on it. A great wake-up call for me, a nice slap in the face I suppose you could say. Gugulethu is struggling; there is no doubt about that. But, at least these nurses are willing to help. There is an amazing sense of community here. Neighbors are like family, friends are family, and everyone is connected somehow. I would think you would have to be to live in these conditions. They all need hope, each other, God, someone or something to hold onto.

So to say the least I have been extremely overwhelmed. I am so happy for the life I have and the opportunities I have. Its amazing how much this has opened my eyes to the life I have been leading and made me realize that I have been extremely high maintenance. I have taken so many relationships for granted. I have realized how important friendships and relationships are to help you and be there for you. I want to strengthen the bonds I have now, so that I don't lose relationships. I have realized through this trip the friendships that I value and want to strengthen and I look forward to doing just that.

Sorry for the randomness in these posts that may have just occurred. My mind has been everywhere, trying to sort this all out. It’s hard. But as time passes, I find myself feeling new emotions, new realizations. It’s a lot to take in, a lot to understand. How I process all of this is out of my conscious control. It is time for me to relax, clear my mind and try to figure out what all of this means to me